BBC Three | Diaries of a Broken Mind | August 2013
SMILE – A Documentary about the Perception of Mental illness
“One day it’s as small as a firefly … The next, it’s the bear” Woman recites stunning poem to explain depression
My depression is a shape shifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear.
The next, it’s the bear.
On those days, I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
I call the bad days the dark days.
Mom says: “Try lighting candles”.
When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church.
The flicker of a flame, sparks of a memory younger than noon.
I am standing beside her open casket.
It is the moment I learn every person I have ever come to know will someday die.
Besides mom, I’m not afraid of the dark, perhaps that’s part of the problem.
Mom says: “I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed”.
I can’t. Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.
Mom says: “Where did anxiety come from?”
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town.
Depression felt obligated to bring to the party.
Mom, I am the party.
Mom, I am a party I don’t want to be at.
…Mom still doesn’t understand.
Mom, can’t you see?
That neither can I.